I had two miscarriages. Our first and fourth pregnancies ended in a miscarriage. I carried baby for 11 weeks during my fourth pregnancy and then started spotting. I wanted everything to be okay, but I knew something was wrong. We went to the doctor’s office the following day, and they confirmed that baby didn’t have a heartbeat. They also told us that baby had stopped growing weeks prior. I let baby pass on their own, and I bled for a month. A whole month. I called into work for a week. I spent my days in bed, just trying to work up the energy to pick up my two kids from daycare. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I almost quit my job, which I loved at the time. When I was able to get myself out of bed, I went to meet with my supervisor to quit, but I didn’t. I let her know what happened, and we talked through it. She was a trained therapist, and even though she mostly listened and reflected things back to me, it was what I needed.
I realized I hadn’t really talked things out with anyone. The doctor’s office just said, “we are so sorry,” and sent me on my way. I left devastated and sobbing. Talking things out can help tremendously. What I thought I needed to help me cope with this grief was not what I needed. I didn’t realize that until I talked it out. I went back to work. I became more open about what happened, and suddenly I was surrounded by the support I didn’t think I wanted or needed. Grief is always there, but I learned healthy ways to cope with grief along the way.
Below are four ways to cope with miscarriage grief:
- Share what you want, how you want. Miscarriages are talked about more, but still not enough. According to the National Library of Medicine, it is estimated that as many as 26% of pregnancies end in miscarriage (Dugas & Slane, 2022). That’s a lot of us. If you want to talk about it, there are people who will listen. There are people who can relate. Find the support you need, whether it is in a spouse, trusted friend, co-worker, or trained therapist.
- You don’t have to just “move on.” My three-year-old, at the time, was my biggest support with this; she had no idea. She frequently asked me about baby and talked about baby. At first, it was really hard, but then I grew to enjoy her questions and the opportunity to talk about and remember baby. That three-year-old is now six, and she still brings up the “babies that died in mommy’s tummy.” It allows me to take a moment to pause and think about those babies, which warms my heart. Find a way to remember baby or a way to talk about baby.
- Flip the crappy comments. It is hard to know what to say in difficult situations and society has given us some ideas of what to say. Unfortunately, some of those sayings are just crap, like “you are so lucky to have two beautiful kids already.” Yes, I am, but that comment dismissed my loss. Try to flip the crappy comments. First, acknowledge your feelings about the comment. Then, instead of getting stuck on the comment, look at the person who took the time to reach out to you. They are trying to be there for you in the best way they know. Acknowledge that too.
- Take the time you need for yourself. After a miscarriage, we need time to heal emotionally and physically. It is okay to take some time off, accept help, be sad, angry, anxious, or have other feelings. You are human. Every experience is different. We all have different needs.
Conclusion
Miscarriages are tough to navigate for both the mother and their partner. These four ways to cope with miscarriage grief can apply to everyone involved in the pregnancy. Share what you want, how you want, and know that you don’t just have to “move on,” flip the crappy comments, and take the time you need. And as always, reach out to a mental health professional if you need additional support. We are here for you.
References
Dugas, C. & Slane, V. H. (2022). Miscarriage. National Library of Medicine.