When there is someone in your life who you feel could greatly benefit from a change, but it’s just not happening, it can be frustrating. You can see how things could be so much better for you and them if they made a change, but nothing changes. Here is some information to help you understand why someone might not be working on making a change when you feel like they should be.
Stages of change
The Transtheoretical Model of Change (TTM) says there are six stages of change: precontemplation (denial), contemplation (indecision), preparation (ready to take action), action (actively changing), maintenance (focused on keeping the changes), and relapse or termination. Maybe your someone is in precontemplation. If, in their mind, the problem doesn’t even exist, then making a change isn’t going to exist for them. Moving through the stages of change can also be difficult, and people often get stuck in contemplation or ambivalence. Ambivalence is having mixed feelings about something. They want to make a change, but they don’t want to make a change. But that’s not all; there are also other factors to consider.
Factors to consider
If you are thinking of that person you wish would make a change, and maybe they have even expressed wanting to change, but still, nothing, keep reading. You must take into consideration all the factors. What does this person believe about themselves? Do they feel they are capable of this change? Are there barriers that need to be addressed? Are there environmental or biological factors to consider? Try to get a whole picture to help with your understanding.
What can I do?
If you’re reading this, I’m guessing it’s because you care. You want to help this someone, you want things to get better, but you feel stuck. Maybe this person has made some changes in the past, but the changes didn’t stick. Change is not always linear, just like mental health. When talking about change with this someone, ask open-ended questions about the worst and best outcomes. Here are some examples:
- What are the best results you can imagine if you make this change?
- What concerns you the most about ____________?
- What good might come from making this change?
- If you continue as you are, what is the worst thing that could happen?
Conclusion
Remember that we are all human and do not share the same worldview. We have different experiences, see things differently, and think differently. Try to identify where your someone is in the stages of change and meet them where they are. Try to get a whole picture of other factors that might be contributing to the problem or behavior. It’s okay to ask questions, and it’s okay to ask for help. Sometimes change takes a while, but what you do have control over is how you take care of yourself during the process. Don’t get lost in trying to help someone else.